Refinding Myself
by inuharrytwiclique
Summary: Kurt hadn't ended up where he wanted to be in his life, but where he thought was a much better alternative. In one night everything collapses and he's forced to go back to where it all began. M way later in chapters.
1. A Tragedy For Your Troubles

**A/N:**

**Prologue to a new story. I was going to put this up during Christmas but thought I might as well post it now XD**

**Thanks to my beta: xxXAngelDreamerXxx for putting up with my crazy schedual :3**

**Be warned it's a bit sad...**

**~Kurt~**

The light was at a soft glow, illuminating the room from the small Christmas tree in the corner of the tiny apartment-sized living room. The smell of reheated ham, mashed potatoes and gravy wafted around the entirety of the small flat, the food having been given by Sam's mother when they'd come over just yesterday. Music from the _Wicked _soundtrack played softly throughout the room. Kurt Hummel would have been pleased with his surroundings, having just re-decorated the room he sat in a few days ago for the Christmas holiday. Normally, all of this would have made him content with his life. Anyone who knows Kurt would know that he had almost all of his favorite things in the room with him, surrounding him in joyful bliss...almost.

There was one thing missing from the room still, something that messed up all of his Christmas Eve plans. Sam Evans. The blonde had called home not minutes before, crushing all Kurt's Christmas Eve plans, ruining what was supposed to be a happy time of the year.

"I'm stuck at work for the night." He'd told Kurt, sounding like he himself was rather disappointed at the turnout. "But I'll be home for Christmas morning, I mean, that is the part that counts most, right?" Kurt had just hung up, not wanting to bother explaining how much he needed Sam with him right then.

It wasn't Sam's fault by far. Kurt knew how much of a homophobe his boss was; he knew that Mr. Hopps was just keeping him there for his own personal satisfaction. Perhaps the man thought that if he could keep Sam from coming home to his boyfriend almost-turned husband that it would somehow effect all of the gay population.

No, Kurt knew Sam had no effect on the situation, not if he wanted to keep his job to support them while Kurt was still trying to start up his own fashion line with no current income. Kurt would apologize for just hanging up on him when Sam got home, but he'd been too upset that he'd have to spend Christmas Eve alone that at the moment he didn't care.

He had needed Sam there with him tonight, for the Christmas holiday was never a happy time for Kurt. He only tried to disguise his disgust for this time of the year behind decorations and lame Christmas-theme movies because he didn't want to face what this part of the year really meant. It was at this time of the year a little over 14 years ago that his mother's death had fallen over his family. His house had been a mess, his father not seeming to have even acknowledged his mother's death for fear of the hurt, but instead focused all his attention on how in hell he was going to be a single father to an eight year old. That year, Christmas hadn't even been celebrated, his dad working double time at his old job so he could get enough money to finally open up his own mechanics shop.

Kurt never wanted to remember those times. The times when he would hear his dad's stressful shouts at night, directed to no one but the walls of his bedroom. The times when he didn't want to express himself how he wanted to, because he thought his dad would just burst at the seems. The times when he would have a re-revelation that he no longer had his mother to hold onto. Instead at this time of year he'd made it his goal to make everyone happy and everything perfect. Nothing bad was allowed to happen at this time of the year. Most of all, he made sure he was never alone; he couldn't be alone, or he'd let himself be dragged back into those awful memories that he'd kept buried deep in the darkest places in his mind.

Yet now he was alone, left to do nothing but think about how alone he was. He'd met Sam back in high school. Kurt hadn't liked Sam at first, in fact, he'd called him 'the new king jock' the first day he'd seen him pass by in the halls. The first time they'd spoken, Sam had nearly knocked him over while trying to catch a football being thrown to him from across the room. Kurt had bitterly told him to excuse himself, but the moment Sam apologized, Kurt knew he'd been different than the other meat heads that inhabited the school. When Sam decided to join Glee Club, Kurt took back his first impression, and slowly they'd somehow fallen for each other.

They didn't want to stay in that discriminatory town any longer than they had to, so they'd come to a place that they knew they could at least be themselves and get married in. They'd moved all that distance away from Ohio over to California. Kurt's dad had been crushed the day he and Sam had left on the plane together to start their own lives, though he still made weekly calls home to make sure his dad was doing okay. Those didn't last very long though, as he always wanted to keep his old life separate from the new.

Kurt had left everything behind in Lima. He'd left friends, family, and every bad day he'd ever had. In fact, his hometown had become sort of Taboo in the Evans-Hummel household. Most importantly though, he'd left behind his stepbrother, Finn Hudson.

He hadn't had any regrets for leaving though. It was quite possibly the best thing he'd done his entire life. He did miss his old friends sometimes, but he'd made new ones, friends more like him. And he had Sam, whom he loved with all his heart. He'd been able to start making his own clothes, and Sam had found a job he'd loved at first. Then, he'd gotten a new boss a few months back, and he absolutely hated it there.

Kurt didn't like when Sam came home all stressed out, swearing that that man was going to hell one day. Still, he'd lived a good four years here with Sam, and they'd managed to make their lives work. Kurt honestly had no complaints. Other than tonight of course, when Sam couldn't be there with him when he needed him most.

He'd tried to eat, but ended up just pushing the food around on his plate until it became a pile of mush that Kurt was sure even a stray dog wouldn't eat. He tried to watch one of the Christmas movies he'd picked out from the store, but even they wouldn't help. Especially the _Charlie Brown_ Christmas special, which had been Sam's favorite Christmas movie since he was really little. After a while of trying to distract himself by watching the blinking Christmas lights from the tree bounce off the walls, he decided to go lay down in their bedroom.

Maybe if he could get to sleep, it would seem like Sam got home quicker. Then everything would be okay again. He'd wake up in the morning with Sam lying next to him. He'd wake him up, despite how tired he knew Sam would be, but only because he knew Sam would want him to wake him up. They'd open the presents they got each other and Kurt would make them breakfast. Then they'd probably just stay in bed for the rest of the day, both of them laughing and joking, keeping each other's company, maybe even plan a few of their wedding details, which was already booked for the end of winter.

Of course, this was the worst time of the year though, and Kurt couldn't have what he wanted, even if it meant his whole life crumbling around him.

Kurt woke up to cold sheets next to him, shivering slightly because he'd left the window in the living room open, and the heat hadn't circulated throughout the house. After throwing his robe over his body, he made himself some eggs, not really in the mood to eat. He didn't open his present from Sam, not wanting the blonde to miss whatever reaction he'd have to the gift. Instead he sat on the couch, staring at the clock that read 7:30 in bright red script. At eight, he decided to call into the offices where Sam worked, thinking he'd fallen asleep. After all, it wouldn't be the first time since he'd gotten that new boss. After a few short rings, it went to voice mail. He discovered calling Sam's cell phone had the same outcome.

Kurt hadn't wanted to try again, knowing his dad would be calling soon to wish him a Merry Christmas with faked enthusiasm. He always put on the happy-act just for Kurt, when in fact, Kurt knew he was actually a big mess, still heartbroken from what had happened so many years like Kurt still was. Kurt pushed a loose piece of hair, still ruffled from just having woken up, behind his ear and tucked his legs under him. He turned on the TV, deciding to watch the news and maybe catch a glimpse of the Christmas Parade he knew would be happening as it did every year. He hadn't been expecting such a big shock when the newscasters switched gears to the more tragic news of the day. A car accident.

There were cars, five of them, scattered around the road. One of them seemed to have caught fire in the collision, and three of them had smashed into the fourth and final car, all in a line. The last car seemed to have taken the best of it and gotten away mildly scathed, while the one up front had taken the blunt of the damage, wedged in between the car that looked like it had been in flames and another car that had squished into the back of it. Broken glass glittered on the street around the five cars.

The worst part of it all, was that Kurt recognized the car in the middle of the fire car and the car smashed against it.

He blinked and shook his head, refusing to believe it was actually the same worn down red car that Sam drove. Kurt dove for the remote, hands fumbling to turn up the volume, eyes glued to the screen.

"...it is fortunate that most got away unharmed, but two were seriously injured and one life was taken. We have no further details on this scene yet." Kurt couldn't breathe. How could they just cut off the story there, and switch over to a story about how there were lots of dogs being given as presents this year? Who's life had been taken? Who was seriously injured? Was Sam one of the ones that got away free of harm? Kurt jumped up from the couch, unable to sit any longer.

He tried Sam's cell again, leaving frantic messages about him needing to call back immediately. An hour went by and he heard nothing, watching the rest of the news in hopes for some sort of hint as to what happened. He called every hospital within close range from the spot of the scene, but none of them had a patient named Sam Evans listed. Kurt even ignored the call from his own father, not able to concentrate on anything else. He paced frantically, chewing at his perfectly manicured nails and pulling at his hair. When the phone rang later that afternoon, Kurt had been almost driving himself crazy. Instead of looking at the caller ID on the phone he instantly answered.

"Sam?" He asked in a panic, hoping to here that carefree tone he loved so much.

"Hello, this is the national office of protection," a deeper voice said on the other end of the phone line. "who am I speaking with?" Kurt sat down, willing himself to stop shaking.

"K-Kurt Hummel, sir." He answered almost childishly.

"Yes, Mr. Hummel, you're aware of one Sam Evans?"

"Y-yes, I'm his f-fiancé." Kurt hoped his voice hadn't broken as much as he thought it did, wanting to seem at least a bit civilized.

"Sir, we've been informed that there was an accident off the 95 early this morning... and a mister Evans was identified in the scene." Kurt's heart clenched painfully I his chest, already knowing where this was going.

"Is he...I mean... did he get-" but Kurt couldn't get the words out, oxygen choking in his throat and Kurt tucked his head on his knees, his phone still pressed loosely to his ear.

"I'm afraid so. I'm terribly sorry, sir." He said as calmly as he possibly could. "I'll let you go now, sir." Then the line went dead just as the heart beat of Sam Evans had.

Kurt cried.

He didn't like to cry, because it always made him feel worse about whatever was going on because he'd let himself become vulnerable and weak, two things he didn't ever want to think about himself again after he left Ohio. Yet right there on the couch of his and Sam's apartment, he broke down. His phone slipped from his hand, clattering almost noiselessly to the hardwood floor. Then he remembered tears, lots of them. The salt water mixing with other unattractive bodily liquids coming from his nose. His face went red, and he found it hard to breathe in this state. The heart in his chest crying out painfully for his love. Kurt really hated Christmas.

Kurt woke up curled against the couch. His head hurt like hell, and his eyes stung. It took him a second to remember how he'd gotten like that, until he realized he must've cried himself to sleep. He sat up gingerly, the reality of the situation hitting him just as hard as last time. It was only moments before he was crying again. He'd somehow gotten to the point where he was in the fetal position on the edge of the couch, his phone back at his side as he recalled Sam's phone just to hear his voice. He needed to hear him, be with him in some way. Sam was the person that knew how to make this all better, knew how to make the hurt and agony go away when mourning a loss, but when Sam wasn't here, Kurt couldn't handle it. He was more alone now than ever, a long distance away from his dad, who was the only other person that might stand a chance at making him feel any better. He felt sick, then was sick, then started to cry again.

The next few days, or maybe it had been a week, had gone by in quite the same matter. Kurt had refused to eat anything that didn't involve chocolate or ice cream, which he knew couldn't be good at all, but he really didn't care at this point. He was in a constant state of tears, and hadn't actually showered since he found out.

He missed tons of calls from friends and his dad, and didn't bother answering the door to anyone that would come to his and Sam's apartment. It took all his strength to even walk to the bathroom nowadays. Yet, somehow, he managed to find himself at the Christmas tree he and Sam had decorated together, little ornaments dangling from the ever green branches, one special golden one for each of them, their names engraved on them, and placed close together near the top where the star was.

Kurt wanted to open Sam's present to him, wanted to try and feel happiness again. He hadn't felt it in what felt like forever now and he needed it. Slowly his fingers unwound the bow tied messily at the top, knowing Sam had never been good with wrapping the presents. In fact, the blonde had over used the tape just to get the wrapping on the small box to stay. He opened the lid of the box with speed so slow that snails would have sighed in impatience. He revealed two tickets in the box, along with a note. After confusedly setting the tickets to his side, he gently unfolded the note, slightly afraid to view Sam's handwriting in fear of weeping over just that. Still, he managed to get it open and begin reading without a problem. There were a few words with letters mixed up because of Sam's dyslexia still running strong as ever, but over the years Kurt had managed to fluently read whatever Sam wrote.

_Hey babe,_

_I can't wait to see the look on your face when you realize what this present really means. I bet it'll be angrier than anything, but that's fine. I like it when you're angry, it means you're not hiding behind that fancy mask you put on most of the time. You know, the one you use when you mention idiotic homophobes and show a distaste in the clothes other people have on. Mostly you wear that mask when you talk about life back in Ohio. Well, knowing you, you probably just saw that they were tickets and put them aside to read this and let this letter explain everything instead. In fact I bet you're rolling your eyes now while reading this because you know I'm right. Well, guess where the other end of those plane tickets lead to? That's right you guessed it, Ohio. I know you've missed your dad, I can tell when you talk about your weekly calls with him over the phone. Plus I know it's been hard for you to tell him about the engagement (which I promise I'll get you the ring soon enough, it's the first thing on my to do list) so I think it'll be better if we tell him in person. Also I bet he misses seeing you as much as you miss seeing him. And you never know, it might be nice to go back and see how much things have changed, see who's changed. Now, stop being fake-mad at me, put down this letter and kiss me you fool. I love you, Merry Christmas._

Kurt hadn't made it a quarter of the way through Sam's note without crying, so by the end he was a total mess. Sam knew him so well that it was kind of scary. Kurt had been wrong, though. Opening Sam's gift had brought out sadness, anger and even a bit of confusion, but it had not at all brought him any sort of happiness. Still, with shaking fingers he picked up the two tickets next to him, trying not to think about how one of them wouldn't be used.

Yes, he had said _one_ of them wouldn't be used.

He loved Sam too much to have denied him this when he was still here with Kurt, let alone deny the poor guy his final wish. Kurt literally bit back tears as his thought process betrayed him, and made that last thought sound extremely bitter. Either way, he'd be going, if only for Sam's sake. It would be nice to see his dad again, and he determined he could pull himself together long enough to take a plane to Ohio so he could cry some more. At least he'd have the comfort of his father again, which he desperately needed more than anything at that moment in time.

Calling his father back had been a nightmare and a half. At first, Burt had started to scold him on how he thought the worst had happened to him. When Kurt explained that the worst _had_ happened to him though, his dad fell silent, letting Kurt cry and sat on the other end of the phone line waiting for words to come to him, having been so shocked by the news. Kurt told him about Sam's Christmas present and that he was going to come back out to Lima. Burt had been approving of the plan, obviously sensing that Kurt could not be alone at this time. Kurt read off the details of the flight, finding out for himself that they were for Monday, two days away. His father said that he'd call him every three hours on the hour until Monday to make sure he was okay.

When Kurt hung up, he decided to go through all the messages and stuff on his phone, ending up crying again because the police needed him to come down to their office to speak with him about Sam. He knew he'd probably have to find out what they were going to do with Sam's body. _Oh god_. And he'd probably have to be the one to book a funeral, maybe even face Sam's parents.

Then there was packing to do, and the Christmas decorations needed to be taken down before he left. Kurt was left sitting in his and Sam's apartment, alone, trying to figure out what to do first, clean or cry again.

**A/N:**

**Not too bad length-wise for a prologue. Not sure when I'll be able to update this again, but it's definitely a project I want to work on, and I'm extremely excited about it! Reviews are much appreciated!**


	2. Home Is Where The Heart Is

**~Kurt~**

Kurt was almost finished with his last-minute plans before he had to leave. He'd managed to make himself look presentable enough to go down to the police station and fill out a few sheets of paper work to provide information to legally log Sam's pass into the system. Though he had to admit it wasn't much fun to be passed by many people, all looking concerned at his trying to seem fine even though he was clearly a mess. Kurt was sure he must have looked terrible to the human eye. His clothes only half dressing him correctly; his face all blotchy and red with undesired bodily fluids leaking from places he wasn't sure even could produce them.

After that whole debacle was over, he'd made his way to the edge of town to visit Sam's parents. Kurt tried not to burst into tears from just seeing the misleading cheerful Christmas lights and inflatable Christmas characters that were placed around the front lawn. His parent's house was small, too small for even one person in Kurt's opinion. When he'd first come to Sam's parents house he'd been a bit worried to finally meet them, having only met Sam's grandmother, who'd become his legal guardian when he moved out to Ohio back in their high school years.

He'd been taken aback, though, when he stepped inside their tiny apartment. Their home was warmly decorated and smelled in a constant state of something being baked. The house seemed to fit Sam's parent's personalities very well. It was charming, cute and old fashioned, just like them.

Of course Sam's parents themselves were quite there own little characters indeed.

The instant Kurt was introduced to Sam's mother she scooped him up into a hug, her arms wrapping protectively around Kurt as though he were her own son. He was met with a kiss on the cheek and instant mindless chatter about the newfound things that airplanes did, from the last time she herself had been on one. It wasn't long before Kurt was dragged into the kitchen and almost forced to eat a few cookies and drink milk, despite Sam telling his mother constantly that he wasn't hungry. Kurt knew his own attempts to stop the baked goods coming his way were in vain so he didn't even attempt them, instead enjoying the comfortable hospitality.

Sam's father had been another story entirely. Unlike Sam's cute and quiet mother, Sam's father was one that was high in energy and liked to entertain. When he arrived at the small house he immediately found us all in the kitchen, still wearing a hand-knit red scarf around his neck, an old-timely hat that looked like it had been kicked around, and shoes to match, all of which were wet from the rain pouring outside on that day.He swooped into the kitchen and grabbed his wife's hand, humming a tune and spinning her once in a slow ball room dance attempt before kissing her gently on the cheek.

It was easy to see the care and love in their eyes for one another. Sam had, of course, been holding his head in his hands with embarrassment burning bright on his cheeks at the time. Kurt couldn't have understood why he was embarrassed at all, though. Sam's parents were what he loved about older romance movie loves. They all seemed so genuine, and of the characters were continuously happy to be with one another. It was the romance Kurt had always dreamed of having.

Of course, the romance he'd found with Sam had been different than what Kurt saw in the boy's parents. It was more than just an old love constantly blooming. It had been magic, pure unadulterated magic.

Kurt tried not to think about that fact as he stepped up to the door of the older house and knocked lightly. He was met at the door almost instantly by the same blonde haired woman Kurt had come to love.

"Kurt, dear, I-"But she hadn't gotten farther than that. She placed a hand over her mouth to attempt hiding a choked sob before pulling Kurt close to her.

Kurt knew, yet somehow didn't know, how she felt. He cried too, for most of the same reasons she did. He cried because Sam was a loved one; someone he'd shared his life with and whom he cared for more than almost anything, the only person higher being his own father. Yet Sam's mother had more of a reason to cry. Not only had she loved him, she had raised him and seen him grow up. Kurt was certain the woman never planned to outlive her son and he was sure she was shaken to her very core, just as well as Kurt was.

Luckily before the sob fest could get too heavy and create a front door jam, Sam's father came up behind Sam's mother. He barely touched her shoulder, and she fell away from Kurt's skinny arms and into those of her husband. Kurt couldn't bear to think of the fact that he'd almost had that, a husband, but hadn't made it. Instead, he focused on the fact that even Sam's father was no longer the peppy man with a kick in his step as Kurt had seen so many times. He now wore a deep frown, causing wrinkles Kurt had never seen until now to show. The light had seemed to go out of his eyes and he seemed tired, almost weary.

"Please come in, I'm sure there's much to speak of." He said gravely, tugging on the last of Kurt's heart strings.

Kurt followed them into the tiny box of a living room and sat down on the couch opposite Sam's parents. For a while they were silent, Kurt just gazing around at the inside decor, trying to find some hint of life in the well detailed lace and fabrics that ran around the room. Even the room smelled bland from its lack of the usual baking.

When the group was finally able to form words, all of them had a good cry. Even Sam's father shed a few tears, wiping them away quickly before he could let them run from his eyes.Sam's mother grasped Kurt's hand halfway through their conversation. Obviously, the kind woman could sense the terrible state of hurt and pain Kurt was in.

Slowly the conversation led to more serious matters as Kurt handed over the responsibility of Sam's funeral to be arranged by them. He knew they would have wanted that, and that he could not handle it himself. When they'd gotten all other matters taken care of, Kurt calmly introduced the fact that he wouldn't be able to visit for a while as he was going back to Ohio to see his own father. They wished him the best of luck and made him promise to visit Sam's Grandma Billy while he was there and give her an update on home in California.

Kurt was glad when he finally left Sam's parents house, needing to get some packing done and take down their Christmas lights before he had to leave the next day. He drove home carefully, not listening to music, knowing somehow that every song would relate to _him_, and Kurt couldn't handle that while he was driving.

When he passed by Sam's work offices, he stopped to park and glare at the building. He knew it held Sam's jerk of a boss, Mr. Hopps, inside. The man Kurt was blaming for Sam's death. If he'd not been such a homophobe and let Sam come home to him like he was supposed to that night then the accident may have still happened, but Sam wouldn't have been in it.

He had to leave before he did something he'd regret. He had felt the wash of pain sweep through him, a cloud of anger hanging over head to mix dreadfully with his feelings of anguish. Kurt knew that having a raging fit over Sam's boss would do him no good, seeing as it would never bring his love back to him.

When he finally got back to their apartment safe and sound, Kurt instantly began tackling the Christmas decorations, sick of looking at the reminders of what happened on his least favorite holiday. He didn't want to pretend anymore that things were okay, because they weren't. He didn't want to hide behind false Christmas cheer, at least not here in this apartment. All of these things seemed to barricade down onto him; a constant reminder that he was now very much alone. Kurt the most important Christmas decorations into his luggage, being mindful of what he knew the airport security wouldn't let he take with him, and decided that maybe he'd find a use for it back in Ohio. After all, that's where the rest of his bad memories were.

The next morning Kurt awoke slowly, not wanting to rise from the soft, warm comfort his and Sam's bed offered him. The sheets were soft, and the mattress was firm yet durable at the same time. The pillows next to him still had that 'Sam' smell that surrounded him and gave him the feeling that maybe he wasn't really alone after all. He didn't want to get up and face the truth, yet again, that his beloved wasn't actually going to be there next to him when he arose. Sleepily, Kurt pulled Sam's pillow close to him, snuggling the squishy lump of cotton and breathing in the faint scent it held.

Eventually, the small brunette boy did rise from his sleep, rubbing his eyes and making his way to the bathroom for his normal morning routine, or at least as normal as he could get since Sam's passing. It took him a few minutes of stumbling around his bare-of-Christmas apartment to realize that he was going to be leaving today. When the realization hit him, he stopped cold. Kurt was in the kitchen, though suddenly he wasn't feeling as hungry as he had before.

Kurt's stomach dropped about two levels so he was pretty sure it was now lodged deeply into his knee caps. He realized then, all in one second, that he'd have to see his father, his hometown of Ohio, and the place all his terrible thoughts and days resided. A town he hadn't seen in four years now. Worst of all, he would have to face his step brother, Finn Hudson, whom he hadn't had _any_ contact with at all in the past four years.

He'd had little contact with the rest of his friends; usually just an email every year or so. Sometimes he'd catch glimpses of them on_ Facebook_ or something, even though he'd deleted them all, wanting to start anew with Sam and forget _everything_ that happened back in Ohio.

But Finn Finn Hudson was a different story. He had absolutely no contact at all with him, hadn't seen anything about him, heard from him, or heard about him. He made a point to clearly avoid any conversations involving Finn with his father over the phone, and had made sure there was absolutely no trace left of him in his life. It was what Kurt had needed to be here with Sam, to move away from Ohio and every bad thing that had ever happened to him well almost every bad thing. He didn't even know what Finn looked like nowadays. It was what had Kept Kurt stable all these years here with Sam. No contact with Finn was the perfect amount of contact to create a happy and healthy life.

But now he was going back. Back into that place he'd fought so hard just to escape. That's what had hit him the hardest. Kurt shuddered to himself and decided that he'd cross that bridge when he came to it. Besides, there was a very good chance that Finn would be off in whatever collage he was attending; smooching with some tramp he met. Or better yet, maybe he'd gotten back together with Rachel. For some reason, the thought of Finn and Rachel's old off-and-on relationship continuing for all of these years made him smile, choke back a giggle, then burst out in laughter.

At first Kurt was amazed; he hadn't been able to laugh at anything these past days since Sam's passing, and yet the most insignificant part of his past had made him bubble up and actually feel good to the point where he was able to laugh. Perhaps going back to Ohio wouldn't be all bad, maybe he'd get a few more good laughs out of it at least.

The rest of Kurt's afternoon was filled with shuffling around his house to find anything he might need to take with him. He only got about half an hours peace before he had to leave to head to the airport, and even that wasn't very easing on his troubled mind. The first few things that flooded into his mind were about not packing something he needed and being all the way in Ohio without it. The next things he thought of were things that could happen while he was away. He and Sam didn't own any pets, so that wasn't something to be concerned with, but the apartment could catch fire, or there could be a flood or something equally terrible.

When Kurt got over that, the last bad thought he had while he was heading out the door was that he had to go back to Ohio, and that itself was worse than a flood or fire.

He hadn't wanted to leave his car alone at the airport so he decided to take a taxi, despite his mental protests of how unsanitary they were. When he arrived, he actually didn't have any trouble getting through security and checking in his bags. It wasn't until he was on the plane itself, sat in one of the aisle seats next to another young man, that Kurt had trouble. He hated flying, and wasn't sure why his memory had registered that until now. Perhaps, because he was too worried about going back and too caught up in the hurt of Sam's passing, he hadn't really thought of it until he was strapped into the giant piece of metal, hands griping the armrests of his seat, knuckles going white and face paling.

"_You're not good with flying are you?" Kurt looked over to the seat next to him where Sam was gently smiling at him, his warm features showing concern, yet amusement, from Kurt's struggle._

"_No, especially after all the lessons of terrible plane crashes on the morning news." Kurt whispered to him harshly, as if speaking normally would give the plane its own ideas and drop them from what felt like a billion feet in the air._

_Kurt was petrified, soaring high in the air in a piece of metal that technically, due to the laws of gravity, shouldn't be able to fly in the first place. He knew it had been the right thing to do though, after all, he and Sam needed a new start. After everything they had done to get here, Kurt wasn't going to ruin it by saying that he didn't want to go because he was afraid of flying. He just had to calm himself down._

_Of course, that was easy enough to do when he heard the soft click of their small window shutter closing so Kurt could no longer see anything outside. Sam leaned over next to Kurt, taking his hand and wrapping an arm around Kurt's shoulders caringly. Kurt's tension lessened as he sagged against Sam, letting the blonde completely fill his senses. It wasn't long until Kurt had fallen asleep, and Sam had to ask the flight attendant if he could have one of those airplane blankets to cover the smaller boy that leaned against his shoulder in a calm state of peace._

"Are you okay?" Kurt blinked, shaken out of his reverie by the other male sitting next to him. Kurt was saddened instantly from the realization that Sam should have been sitting there next to him instead. Kurt shook his head negatively to signal that he wasn't okay.

He asked the flight attendants if they had any tissues as he cleaned himself back up into a respectable state, yet still held onto the fear of flying. He didn't get a minute of rest through the entire flight; not even watching the movie they had on could calm his nerves. The guy next to him had fallen asleep awhile ago, leaving Kurt feeling completely alone with his fear. Of course, he was in the aisle seat so he couldn't exactly reach over and close the window like Sam had for him. Plus, he was pretty sure he'd pass out if he actually had to look directly out of it. He sat in pretty much one tense position the entire way there, then bolted off of the plane as fast as he could when it landed.

He'd called his dad a few minutes before he left home in California to let him know what time he'd be landing in Ohio and what time he could expect him to be at the house. The first thing to do was to find out where to get his luggage at. There were large conveyer belts going around in circles carrying different sizes of bags and packs. There was a man standing behind a desk in the middle of the conveyer belts to direct people where their bags would be located depending on which flights they had. When Kurt asked him where his luggage would be, the man pulled his light blue shirt sleeves up and shuffled though some papers before pointing him in the direction he needed to go to find his personal belongings.

When Kurt found all of his stuff, he decided that he wouldn't be getting any further if he didn't have some sort of caffeine. He stopped at the coffee shop just inside the front of the airport and grabbed a quick-fix coffee before heading outside to grab a cab. He was so tired at this point from lack of sleep on the plane that he was barely able to keep his eyes open. The soothing motion of the cab made him feel even more tired. He felt the stinging take effect on his eyes and his eye lids become heavy. Kurt had to actually shake his head to keep himself awake long enough to get through the cab ride. Luckily, Lima was a small town and you could get anywhere within half and hour, and that was if you were driving really slowly.

When the cab pulled up outside his old house, Kurt paid for his ride and grabbed his luggage. He gave small thanks and a wave as the driver pulled away. Kurt took in a deep breath and turned, powder white snow crunching under his feet, compressing together and transforming from flakey and soft to a hard chunk of ice.

Kurt looked up at the house. It hadn't changed much since he left. His dad hadn't put up their Christmas lights, probably knowing that without Kurt there to tell him to move something over just a bit then move it back because it looked better there, he hadn't a change of making the display exactly the way it used to be. Kurt made a mental note to see if they could put them up together.

The house itself was the same two story dressed up pile of bricks that it used to be. The window out front was still slightly off center, making Kurt instantly as crazy as it used to whenever he looked at it. The roof had icicles hanging from the corners as it had always come to adorn naturally during winter. The sidewalk leading up to the door was the same, except for the fact that it was covered over with sheets of ice and thin piles of snow. Kurt almost fell three times on his way up to the door. He breathed a sigh of relief that he'd made it without falling flat on his face, as he had many a time before.

He didn't have to wait long after he rang the bell for his call to be answered. He wrung his hands nervously around his scarf while he waited, sighing in relief when he could make out the shape of someone coming to the door through the frosted glass of the door. Carol was the first one to see him, after four years of completely disappearing from the world of Ohio. She'd gained only a few more love-wrinkles since the last time Kurt had seen her. Small strands of grey, barely visible, were blended in with her dark brunette hair. She'd kept it short all these years, yet had decided that growing it to her shoulders was an appropriate length.

Kurt was met with a warm, motherly smile he'd only seen from Sam's mother in the past four years. He was pulled to the woman with gentle care and a loving embrace, which only the intent of a mother could give. She smelled sweet from her light perfume and Kurt sank into her, feeling the first hints of home taking effect. She pulled away and held him at arms length to look him over briefly before ushering him inside.

"Your father has been dying to see you ever since you told him you were coming. Well, he's been dying to see you for longer than that, but he's gone crazy with preparing since he heard you were coming home." She giggled slightly, grasping gently onto Kurt's shoulders and steering him in the direction of the kitchen.

Kurt sighed to himself as they walked down the halls. The walls were aligned with pictures of his past, from Kurt's youngest age to right after his high school graduation. He stopped walking to look at a few, Carol continuing on to let him have a moment to himself. There was one of him and his dad, Kurt sitting tucked under his father's arm as they leaned against the hood of one of the cars in the shop. That was when Kurt had been around the age of eleven, still swearing he was going to work with his father in his future. There was one of him and Sam at their graduation. He used to be upset at this picture, the two of them having been caught in a candid kiss, but now he knew to appreciate the memory because it wasn't going to last. The very last picture in the hall was one he hadn't seen in a long time, and it made him take in a sharp breath.

It was of him and Finn. It was taken only days before Kurt and Sam had left town. Kurt remembered that Sam had been in the kitchen, talking to his father about something. Kurt had been sitting on the couch with his pissed-off step brother. Finn had refused to speak to him then; knowing that Kurt was leaving had upset him to a point of no explanation. Carol had come at them with her digital camera, snapping picture after picture, trying to lighten the mood and ease the tension.

Like magic, within a few minutes they were taking goofy pictures of themselves. The one hanging proudly in the hall had been one where, after striking poses and Kurt pretending he was on America's Next Top Model, Finn had basically tackled him onto the couch, ending up with Kurt literally on top of Finn, the two of them cackling madly. They hadn't seen Carol take the picture of them until it was too late. They were in that very same described position, looking at each other with massive grins. Kurt sighed, this was the first thing he'd seen of Finn in a long time, and it had hit him harder than he expected it to.

"Kurt?" Kurt's head whipped around at the sound of his dad's voice. Burt Hummel hadn't changed much either, except that maybe his barely-there beer belly had grown the slightest bit. He wore a baseball cap on his head, dressed in his usual flannel apparel.

Just seeing his dad had made him drop the handle on his luggage and slide his carry on bag to the ground. Kurt rushed to his father, like he was five years old again and just getting out of his first day at Kindergarten. He slung his arms around his father's shoulder and pulled him close, feeling his dad's own hand closing gently around his back. Kurt knew his dad wasn't one for hugs, but he couldn't help it. This was the first time he'd seen him in four years. This was the only living person he cared for more than he had for Sam. Kurt wasn't ashamed to hug his dad, because it's what he'd needed so badly for four long years that it actually hurt.

"I missed you, dad." Kurt said in a choked up voice as he lay his chin on his dad's shoulder, sniffing as the saltwater tears started to fill up and irritate his eyes further.

"I missed you too, kid." That was all it took for Kurt to become that giant mess of tears he'd been for the past few days now. Only this time, it was multiplied from not only having Sam to cry over, but the fact that he'd been so overwhelmed from not being able to see his dad.

When Kurt and Burt had gotten themselves together enough, Kurt was told to go ahead and put his things in his old room. He had to walk through the living room, seeing that Carol had gotten new couches that went well with their new paint job. Well, maybe not _new_, but new to Kurt. Everything else was in the same place: TV at the head of the room, couches facing it and table in the middle to set drinks and stuff on. There were more pictures around the room, but Kurt had seen them all so many times before in the past that he could probably name them off by order around the room.

He smiled a bit as he walked down the darkened staircase, his hand reaching out and feeling along the wall for the light switch. When he found it, he flicked the switch upward and a bright sudden light filled the room, showing off the rest of the room's décor to Kurt's careful watching eye.

It had been left exactly the same as he'd last seen it. Walls the same shade of grayish-white he'd last painted it, his white furniture casting a sort of photo-shoot-type look to the room. Spare the few items he'd taken with him to California, it was exactly the same as he'd left it. He lined his luggage against the wall and unpacked his laptop to place on his old desk, sitting down in his desk chair and sighing contentedly. Home was always something that was missed; its only downfall was that it was in the state of Ohio, otherwise known as The Horror State.

He was called up for dinner a bit later, after he'd gotten done reacquainting himself with his room. He sat at his old spot at the dining table in the kitchen, next to his dad and Carol and across from an empty seat he had never before seen empty at a meal time. His dad gave him a small smile as Carol began to serve dinner. Mainly they ate in silence, Kurt knowing they were having a silent conversation, trying to get one another to say something to him. It was finally Carol that broke the silence.

"So, sweetie, it's been so long, we all have so much to catch up on!" Kurt looked at her thankfully for her attempt at trying to keep the conversation light.

"Yeah, I'm pretty tried though, from the plane ride, and I was hoping that we could hold off on catching up until tomorrow." Kurt said lowly, gently forking a piece of his chicken and shoving it in his mouth.

"That's just fine!" Carol said way too enthusiastically for her own good. "Tomorrow is when our Christmas holiday is starting." Kurt looked up at her with confusion written across his face.

"But Christmas has passed " Kurt honestly didn't want to have another Christmas holiday; he wanted to forget this holiday ever existed and crawl under a rock to hide from it in the upcoming years.

"Well, yes, but we've actually been celebrating the holiday the week after the real one, because that's the time when Finn usually comes home for winter break. Now that you're here, it's going to be just like old times." Sudden realization dawned on him as to why nothing was decorated around here. There was only one big thing that cut through his thoughts.

"F-Finn's coming here tomorrow?" Kurt stuttered and tripped over his own words, feeling butterflies rise in his stomach and start swarming around in a frenzied panic.

"Yeah, and get ready too, cause he usually brings home some girl he swears is the one and by the time break is over, their broken up and she's yelling as she storms out of the house at four AM." Burt chuckled at his step-son's behavior.

"Burt!" Carol scolded him for laughing. "Just because he doesn't have the best of luck when it comes to women doesn't mean anything! Besides, he's out of collage now and living on his own like a responsible adult. He doesn't have winter break this year but is just coming for his usual visit. No timed-schedual to go off of."

"I know, but he never disappoints for a show at four in the morning. Its reason enough to stay up all night and wait." Kurt smiled when Carol threw a piece of bread down the table playfully at him, the whole grain making a muffled soft smack as it hit his chest. Kurt couldn't help smiling. It was good that things hadn't changed since he'd left; they were still the worlds' dorkiest parents.

Soon enough, dinner was over and Kurt was excused to go downstairs and unpack his things, so he wouldn't have to watch sports with his dad or clean up with Carol. He normally would have, but he was just so exhausted that all he could think about was crashing. He quickly changed into some pajamas pulled from his luggage and slunk down into his old bed, the mattress still holding the shape Kurt had molded in it from sleeping in it all his life. It just sort of fit him, made him feel safe and comfortable. Of course, though, everything he held dearly had to end badly as a memory of Sam rose in his mind.

_Kurt groaned as Sam gently nipped at his neck. His fingers played at the hem of the blonde's shirt, but not daring to dive under the fabric. It was at least the fiftieth time Sam had been here, but the first that Kurt had snuck him in, just because Sam had shown up in the middle of the night and told Kurt they were going to be spontaneous. At first, he'd exclaimed that they were going to run away to New York for the night and be back tomorrow, but luckily Kurt had demolished those plans and snuck Sam inside where they had preceded their acts of a genuine teenage make out._

"_Kurt? What are you doing? I can hear you all the way in my ro-" Kurt and Sam both shot up as they turned to face Finn, standing shell shocked at the bottom of the stairs._

"_Finn we were just, uh, __Sam was...__he left something here and needed it in the morning." Sam had nodded next to him furiously and Kurt thought he'd made a pretty convincing lie, after all Sam had been over at the house just a few hours earlier for dinner._

"_Um, o-okay. __I'm gonna go hide in my room and try to erase this from my memory." Finn quickly turned and bolted up the steps, trying to take them two at a time and tripping over his own feet on a few._

_When he was out of sight, Kurt couldn't help but burst into laughter. Just the sheer look of shock on Finn's face had been enough to have him rolling for days. Sam tried to get him to stop laughing, but soon he couldn't help it and gave in to start laughing as well. It wasn't just a few good breaths of laughter, but a full-on roll of thunderous laughter that couldn't be stopped and only got stronger whenever it would die down and come back. They must've been laughing for a good five minutes until they were interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Kurt's dad stood at the steps, arms crossed as he looked between the two teens. _

They hadn't been in big trouble, but Kurt had been grounded for the rest of the week and Sam's mother had been called. Still to this day Kurt would swear it was worth the punishment because it was a memory he'd never forget.

**A/N:**

**Yep, I left it as Sam. I've got a plan for Blaine's character. Shall be interesting, yes? Review's are always much appreciated!**


	3. One Step At A Time

**~Kurt~**

Kurt awoke the next morning to the smell of maple syrup and a slight burnt smell. Knowing anything about his family that meant that his dad had tried to make toast and it came out all black with charcoal clumps of ash falling off, flaking around the plate they'd been scraped onto. Kurt sighed, not really wanting to leave his old bed. That was something else he had missed from Ohio, his bed. His pillows were in that perfect smushed position that cradled his head and the blankets were tangled around his feet. The heater for the basement was on high because of the drafty winter chill that liked to creep down especially into the basement.

He somehow managed to drag himself out of the warm comfort of his soft sheets to drag his feet lazily across the floor. His eyes were still only half open from having just woken up and he stumbled on a few steps. Kurt's mind wasn't working to its full capacity yet, having just been woken before it was ready. It reminded Kurt of the times when he'd get up for school two hours early so he could wake himself up and get ready in time to fully function in his learning environment.

He slowly grazed his hand along the white wall as he made his feet carry him to the kitchen. He threw a good morning to the occupants of the table before sleepily making himself a cup of tea with two sugar cubes. He'd never been a coffee person, not able to stand the bitter taste. Tea, however, actually tasted good with a bit of sugar and also had different herbs that helped when preventing different types of cancers. Kurt held the cup in his hands for a minuet, letting the warmth of it seep into his naturally cold fingertips before he took the first sip, letting it warm him up from the inside.

He sighed contentedly before sitting down across from his father and Carol, giving them a small smile. He pretended to ignore them when they looked pointedly at each other. Carol set down her spoon in her cereal bowl and clasped her hands together, looking at Kurt expectantly, waiting for an answer from the petite boy. Kurt in turn gave her his full attention, hoping whatever was coming wouldn't mentally harm him in anyway. Of course, nothing could be as he wanted it at this time of year.

"Good morning, dear." She said cheerily at first, misleading Kurt's intuition into thinking that whatever was coming was something good.

"Good morning." He said plainly in return, still trying to wake himself up from his seemingly numb stupor.

"So, um, would you like a plate of food? I made pancakes and there's cereal if you want anything else." Kurt agreed to have a small plate of food, but when Carol made no move to get up he started to understand that something was wrong.

"What?" He looked between his step-mother and his father, both of which were giving him a look that said he needed to stay calm.

"Well, Finn got in early this morning." Kurt's breath hitched in his throat, knowing that somewhere in the very house he sat in, was his step brother, whom he hadn't seen in over four years.

"Oh." Was all Kurt could muster up as a response, gripping his cup a bit tighter than before.

"Yeah," Burt began to throw his two cents in, seeing Kurt's face drop about ten fold. "And we were actually going to go pick up one of those left-over Christmas trees by the edge of town." Kurt just looked on in turn, not having anything to say. "We would like it if you would go with us-"

"But we completely understand if you need more time to get settled." Carol cut Burt off quickly, jumping in to explain that Kurt wasn't obligated to participate in this particular activity.

Kurt would have said no, not wanting to deal with anything Christmas related right now. Especially so soon after…well, after everything. With the way his father and Carol were looking at him though, it was obvious that they'd be crushed if Kurt were to decline their polite offer to accompany them. It was, after all, the first time he'd seen them in such a long time. It was to be expected that they'd actually want to see him while he was here. So he could only say yes. It was kind of worth the sure to come pain to see their faces light up with joy and Carol practically bounce over to the stove to get Kurt his food.

She had barely set the plate down in front of him when Kurt heard a door upstairs close. Kurt's heart began hammering in his chest, beating against his rib cage violently. Slow footsteps fell on the stairs, descending the flight of them and making their way down the hall. Kurt didn't look up for the longest time, but the entire room had gone silent as another person entered the kitchen. All oxygen had now escaped the small, shaky boy and all that was left was a desperate feeling to blot quickly into the living room. Of course Kurt wasn't a coward, so he gently lifted his eyes up.

It was funny to see him again. Kurt wasn't sure why he was so shocked at how…ordinary he looked. He had pictured Finn differently now, maybe with longer hair and a different wardrobe, some slut permanently attached to his hip, almost hippie in a way. Instead, he just looked like _Finn_. He had the same short boyish hair cut, the same awkward tall height that made him stand out freakishly from the room's other occupants, and he even had the same Old Navy shirts and jeans, a basketball tucked under one of his arms. Of course the hippie look would have been a bad thing, but some things about Finn staying the same were bad too. For instance, that dopey side-ways grin he always gave off. It was the same smile that used to make Kurt's legs give out beneath him and make his heart turn to jell-o. But he refused to be that Kurt a long time ago, it wasn't going to stop now just because this was the first time he'd seen the charmingly dense boy.

"Kurt!" Finn exclaimed, looking shocked to find the smaller male sitting in the kitchen where they used to fight over who got the last piece of toast in the mornings.

"Finn." Kurt nodded in reply to the other male's surprise at seeing him. Finn just turned stupidly to look at his mother, mouth gaping open a bit in confusion. It was the same look Kurt used to remember him having when he'd help Finn with math.

"Oh, honey," Carol pat her son on the shoulder before directing him to the table to sit in the seat across from Kurt. "I told you he was here last night." Kurt watched as Finn racked his brain for a minuet before obviously remembering the conversation held about Kurt without the young man's knowledge of it taking place.

"Oh yeah." Finn said dully before tossing the basketball in the air and making it spin on his finger. Kurt shook his head lightly, staring at his uneaten food before pushing himself away from the table, his chair scraping lightly against the tiled floors. His dad and Carol looked at him confusedly, but when Kurt's eye landed on Finn, the taller male was trying to see if he could move the basketball between each finger without stopping its continuous spinning.

"I'll be downstairs. Let me know when it's time to go." Kurt told everyone over his shoulder as he stomped out of the kitchen.

He let out a shaky sigh in the hallway, the sigh coming out more like a growl than anything else. His hands had tightly curled into fists. His fingernails dug painfully into the skin of his palms but he was too mad to care. _'Oh yeah'_ that was all he got as a greeting. He hadn't seen his step brother in over **four years**! Not days, weeks or months; four _**years**_! Kurt was furious to say the least, he would have thought he deserved at least a 'Good morning' but apparently that had been too much for Finn.

Kurt didn't end up going downstairs but instead found himself standing in the doorway of Finn's old room. Sports posters lined the walls, which had the cowboy wallpaper Finn simply refused to leave behind when he and Carol finally moved in with the Hummels, underneath the posters. There was Finn's way to small bed with his plain dark blue bed covers that no doubt had many stains from when he and all his past girlfriends stayed in them. Even Finn's dresser, which had '_F + R forever' _carved into the side facing the wall, was still standing just as Kurt remembered it from the last time he'd been in this room. He walked into the room slowly, floorboards creaking under the slight weight he put on them, and gently sat at Finn's desk, which still looked unused after all these years. Apparently everything in this room was still the same except the man that resided in it at night.

Kurt wasn't sure why he'd come up here, he had nothing to gain or loose from seeing it. Nor was he sure why he was expecting it to look different than it had before. Either way, he felt sad almost. He sat staring at the room from the corner where the desk was set up. He brought the back of his hand up to his face to wipe away a few unfallen tears, still not sure why he felt sad being in here. It wasn't until a memory from the past kicked up that he really felt horrible though.

_Kurt's heart pounded in his chest as he stood outside Finn's door. One of his hands was raised as if to knock on the wooden door in front of him, blocking his path inside the room, and the other hand was supporting a small tray with two sandwiches and a plate of some cookies. He wasn't quite sure why he'd instantly jumped at the opportunity to bring up some food for Finn and his guest so Carol wouldn't have to do it, he just had. His hand seemed frozen in mid-air unable to move forward just slightly to press against the door and beckon Finn to answer it. After a nod and mentally telling himself that he could do this, he knocked and waited._

_ Finn looked surprised to see Kurt behind the door, holding out the tray of food for him, instead of his mom. It hadn't been that long since Finn and Carol had officially moved in and both boys were kind of keeping their distance from each other so they wouldn't have another incident with feeling awkward around each other. Sure Burt had cleared out the spare room so Finn could have his own room, but neither wanted anything to happen so they'd been playing it comfortable._

"_Hey, what's up?" Finn asked him stupidly. Soon after though he realized why Kurt had obviously come up and took the tray from him, smiling awkwardly. Behind Finn, Kurt could see someone sitting on the end of Finn's bed, a gaming controller in one hand and the other running through bright blonde locks._

"_Kurt? Dude, Kurt!" Kurt's attention snapped back to his step brother, eyes filling with guilty confusion. "I said is that it?"_

"_Um, yeah…" Kurt mumbled incoherently and looked around Finn once again. This time Finn's eyes followed Kurt's and he smirked a bit._

"_Do you wanna come play video games with us? I mean, you don't have to play if you don't want you can just watch." Kurt looked up at Finn in shock, not only had he seen him making googley eyes at his new friend but he'd basically invited him to let him set Kurt up with the new kid. He only nodded and stepped in the room when Finn stepped aside._

Kurt blinked and looked around at the room again. He and Sam had obviously hit it off, of course, and it was a good memory, but that was just what made it even sadder. He took in a shuddering breath and brushed his bangs out of his eyes, preparing to get up. Before he did though he glanced over Finn's desk, something catching his eye. Though Finn had hardly ever used this desk since he was always downstairs with Kurt helping him with his homework, there was a crumpled piece of paper in the far corner. It was small and looked like it hadn't been touched in ages, but yet it was still there, making Kurt wonder. He grasped it, the paper crinkling slightly in his hand. He started to unfold it carefully, wondering why he was so worried about what was on the paper. Knowing old-Finn, the Finn that Kurt used to know, it was probably something like old math notes.

"Kurt!" Kurt nearly jumped out of his skin, quickly crumpling the paper in his hands and stuffing it in his jeans pocket. He looked up with wide eyes at his dad, mentally sighing. He would have thanked the gods, but he didn't believe one existed. I mean after making him gay, making his entire childhood one big game of tease-the-homo and the killing off his mother and his boyfriend on Christmas, how was he actually supposed to believe there was one? If there was, then god had totally screwed him.

"Dad, I was just-"Kurt tried to cover for himself after being caught in Finn's room.

"There you are!" Carol said, coming up behind Burt and wrapping her arms around him. "We've been looking everywhere for you, we were just about to go Christmas tree hunting." Kurt sighed when he saw that they weren't mad at finding him in Finn's room, and followed them downstairs, forgetting about the paper he had stuffed in his pocket for now.

Burt and Carol were trying to gather up four portable-cups for hot chocolate, meaning that they'd probably end up tearing the kitchen apart while they searched, and no one knows how long that could take. Kurt decided to go ahead outside and wait in the car. He pulled on a sweater and put on a jacket over it. Weather was not nice to him and it definitely wasn't nice to designer clothes. Usually the heat made him freckle and burn and even the slightest cold breeze would give Kurt frost bite, plus designer sweaters were never warm and other clothes didn't account for the heat, so fall and spring were always Kurt's favorite lines. Around winter that did mean he usually had to go traipsing around with a puffy ugly jacket over his beautiful sweaters. Kurt also pulled on some gloves, just for added effect and also to complete his winter look.

He stepped outside and closed his eyes, trying to breathe in the cold air, always finding that cold air always seemed fresher than warm air. Instead of getting a lung full of fresh, bitingly-cold, air, he got a lung full of chalky silvery death. He coughed and glanced to his left, completely surprised to find Finn leaning against the edge of the porch with what could never be mistaken for anything else, a cigarette.

"Oh my gosh, Finn!" Kurt shrieked out. He quickly stepped forward and snatched it away from him. He looked at it like he was holding a used piece of gum with his bare hand before he quickly tossed it down and tried to step on it, not even realizing until after that his girly shrill had been the first thing he'd said to Finn yet. He ignored the burning in his cheeks and turned back to the taller male, looking at his angered face as though he'd grown three extra heads. "What if my dad or Carol had seen you?" Then Kurt remembered, he wasn't talking to teenage, good hearted Finn. This guy standing in front of him was practically a stranger, and with the way he was look at Kurt it was pretty obvious he was one to Finn as well.

"Dude, not cool!" Kurt flinched at Finn's harsh tone, and watched in shock as he just reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out another. He didn't have the heart or stomach to watch as Finn lit the new one and basically ignored Kurt completely, despite the smaller males' obvious discomfort. Luckily the front door opened and Burt and Carol headed out, locking the door behind them.

"_You_," Carol directly pointed at Finn, Kurt's dad handing Kurt his hot chocolate, "are not taking that in the car with you." Kurt was completely stunned at the lack of yelling Carol was doing after seeing her son with a cigarette. Of course, Kurt only had to remind himself, yet again, that he'd been gone for _four years_ and a lot had changed.

The car ride was almost silent. If it weren't for Carol and Burt talking quietly up front of Carol's car the entire ride would have been silent, which is a shame because the entire ride took about an hour. The entire time Finn kept his gaze turned towards the world outside of his window, his fingers drumming impatiently on the side of his seat. Kurt sighed and tried to tune Mr. Sulky out of his thoughts, instead leaning his head back and focusing on his dad and Carol's frantic whispering up front.

Kurt was glad when they'd arrived, really needing to stretch his legs. Lima Ohio was such a small town, so they'd actually had to travel outside of Lima to be able to pick up a left over Christmas tree. Kurt got out of the car as quickly as possible, almost choking himself with his own seat belt in the process. Up just a few feet ahead was a completely dead looking Christmas tree lot. Kurt glanced up at the sign that read '_Christmas Trees, its pine-licious'_ overhead. Then inside the lot Kurt could see a few small bushes that could apparently be passed off as trees and browned tall trees with no more pine needles. He sighed as his dad put a warm arm around his shoulders and pulled him towards the lot, a huge smile on his face.

Kurt didn't think that they would find anything but they had barely walked in when a man, two times his dad's size, headed towards them. Kurt would never admit that he actually coward behind his father right then, but he did. The guy had a beard and beer-belly, mostly looking like one of those scary biker guys that Kurt knew would probably beat up a small petite gay boy. Of course nothing was as it seemed, because the man and Kurt's father actually hugged! Okay, so it wasn't exactly a _hug_ but more of one of those embrace and slap each other roughly on the back type of things that guys liked to do.

"Hey! Teddy! You got our tree all saved up?" Kurt peaked around his father's shoulder and looked at the now brightly smiling man.

"Sure do!" He said proudly. "Ah, Carol!" Carol stepped forward and gave this guy a hug.

"Ted! You're looking great, that new diet working out for you, huh?" Ted kissed Carol's cheek and nodded, still smiling like crazy.

"And Finn, how ya' doing, son?" Ted grasped Finn's hand tightly in his and for the first time since Kurt had seen him, Finn actually smiled.

"I'm getting by, you know how it goes." Ted gave him a shrug in return, and turned away. Kurt instantly saw the change in Finn as he sunk back into the quite mood of his Kurt had seen that Finn had become so fond of.

"Ted, I'd like you to meet my son, Kurt. I've told you about him before." He father pushed Kurt in front of him, making the small male freeze and lock in place. This guy was huge and his father was just putting him out there. For the first time in his life, he was glad is fashionable sweater was hidden. He didn't want this guy to get all homophobic on him. Now he just had to refrain from talking and-

"Sure, sure!" The guy practically scooped Kurt up into a hug, and Kurt couldn't help but hug back. This guy was so warm and…friendly… "Great to finally meet you, you're dad's told me all about you! I hear you're into all that fancy clothing and decorating and stuff?" He asked when he'd freed Kurt from his bear hug. Kurt could only feebly nod in return. "Good, cause we have a few different trees for you to choose from and I sure don't want to be the one to clash with your decorating, so I'll let you go ahead and choose the one you guys take home, huh?" Kurt couldn't help but smile.

"That-that'd be great!" Kurt was actually really stunned. All his life every tough looking guy had always been extremely homophobic to him and would rather have his head served for their dogs' dinner than try to adapt so both he and them could be comfortable. He was in shock to say the least.

The rest of their tree hunting experience was narrowed down to three different trees. They would all go great in their living room, but Kurt really didn't want to decide. He'd done his job as a professional designer and now he couldn't choose. Mostly because he honestly didn't want a tree to remind him of what a horrible time of year this was. Ted had been greatly kind to all of them, even Kurt, and given them all refills of hot chocolate, but now all Kurt wanted to do was collapse and crawl back under his anti-Christmas rock.

"Kurt, dear, can you run and get my camera for me? I wanted to take a few pictures of all of us together." Carol gently asked him while fluffing up the branches of one of the trees left.

Kurt only nodded and grabbed Carol's keys to the car; all of his energy drained, and headed back towards the car. On his way there he caught sight of his dad and Finn up ahead, standing only a few feet away from the car. His dad had an almost vice grip on Finn's wrist. The hand attached to that wrist held another one of those cigarettes Finn had seemed to become so fond of as well. From what he could tell at this distance, neither of the two males were very happy with what the other was saying. Kurt decided to inch forward a bit and get into hearing range but ducked behind one of the telephone wiring poles when he thought he'd gotten as close as he could without the other two noticing.

"Look, I don't know what's going on with you lately, but you never usually have this attitude when you're here. Somehow I have a feeling this has something to do with Kurt." Kurt clutched Carol's keys tighter in his gloved fingers at his dad's assumption. He couldn't see either of them but by the way his dad continued, he was pretty sure Finn had nodded. "Do you know how much that kid has gone through? You already know about his mother's death at this time of year, but have you made any effort at all to try and find out why, suddenly, after four years of almost no contact he's just come back home? No you haven't. Well, you know why? It's because he's broken, Finn, _broken_. Your mother tried to tell you about Sam's death when you got hear last night but instead you just stormed up to your room and locked yourself in."

"S-Sam's death?" For the first time, Finn sounded like normal Finn. He sounded scared and naive like the innocent teenager Finn that Kurt was so familiar with. Kurt's breath hitched in his throat.

Of all things, he did not want his father talking behind his back about how pathetic and weak Kurt was. Instead he decided to make his presence known, coming out from behind the telephone pole and walking straight for them. It was obvious that both males knew they'd been caught doing something they shouldn't have by the guilty looks that covered their faces, or in Finn's case, just flashed across before disappearing. Kurt was struggling to hold himself together as he approached the others. Kurt shoved the keys into his father's had roughly, glaring daggers at his stepbrother.

"Carol wants her camera." He bit out sourly before actually running in the opposite direction, not quite sure where he was headed. And Kurt hated to run.

"Kurt!" He heard his dad call weakly behind him but he just ignored it, instead continuing to run away.

Kurt knew he couldn't just run away from what was trying to eat him alive. Of course, just as he thought that, his clumsiness kicked in and he tripped, falling roughly into the cold, dry dirt. His hands stung behind his gloves, but he didn't care. Instead he pulled his knees up to his chest and sucking in a chilly breath of air, trying to calm himself. Sadly, it wasn't working like he thought it was and instead he had started shaking, because he was getting upset or because he was cold, Kurt wasn't sure. Perhaps it was a combination of both. Slowly, Kurt felt tears slide down his cheeks, creating a burning cold feeling behind them.

Kurt sniffled as he heard footsteps crunching on the dirt, getting closer until they came to a complete stop in front of him. He didn't need to look up to know that Finn was standing over him, arms crossed across his chest and looking down at Kurt awkwardly. Kurt's tried to cover up his slow streaming tears but couldn't, so instead he just looked the other way, seeing the car not far away in the distance. Though he was quite impressed with himself for how far he'd run in a short amount of time. All praise was gone though when Finn slowly slunk down in the dirt next to him, refusing to look at Kurt just as much as Kurt was refusing to look at him.

"I saw you trip." Kurt turned now to glare a small glare at him. "It was kinda lame, but funny." Kurt had to blink to make sure but the corner of Finn's mouth had turned up just the slightest of slights, yet it had. Then Kurt couldn't be mad at Finn anymore, instead he rolled his eyes and let out a small breath of laughter. Finn slowly took one of Kurt's hands clutching tightly to his knees. It wasn't much, but it said a lot of things that needed to be said between the two. It explained each of their pent up aggression, frustration and fear of seeing each other for the first time in four years. It wasn't much, but it said a lot, and it was just what Kurt needed before he was ready for the next hit to take hi, by surprise.


End file.
